How To Save A Life
by DubstepNation
Summary: Gakuen AU. Matthew Williams has a secret. A very bad secret. And his new friend Gilbert is determined to find out what it is. Rated M for blood, sex, and attempted suicide. Collab with Dubz'N'Chloe.
1. Chapter 1

**hey you guys, so me and ****Dubzn'n'Chloe **** did a collab because their fabulous. Like Poland fabulous. I hope y'all enjoy it.**

**disclaimer: if I owned, the Middle East would be canon.**

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Matthew stood at his locker. It was really dark in there. He liked it better than the school.

"Honhonhon~ Of course not! I am far too gorgeous to have been in that stuffy classroom for so long!" scoffed Francis as Gilbert rolled his eyes.

Matthew sighed. It was these assholes again.

Antonio laughed, shoving Francis and knocking him into Gilbert, who, in turn, was knocked into Matthew.

"H-hey, watch where you're going." He said quietly.

"Shit. Sorry." apologized Gilbert, extending his hand out to help Matthew up.

"Thanks." He said, taking Gilbert's hand. Why did he feel so tingly?

"My awesome name is Gilbert! What's yours?" asked the Prussian as Antonio elbowed Francis with a wink to signify they should give the two some alone time.

"Matthew." He said, again quietly.

Gilbert stared at him a bit harder. "Don't I have you for some class?"

"Yes.. A couple actually."

"Oh. I don't know why I never noticed you. You're not really forgettable." mused the albino as he continued looking at him

"Well uh.. I uh.. Um... Thanks." Replied Matthew, blushing.

"Sure! Hey, so do you get what we're doing in math? Because mein awesomeness doesn't get it!"

"Yeah, it's actually fairly simple when you break it down." Said the blonde.

"Ah, here." Gilbert handed his phone to Matthew. "Put your number in, Birdie. You can explain it to me when we're not about to be late to class."

"Oh, ok." Matthew quickly entered his number in and handed it back to Gilbert.

"See you later Birdie!" called the albino, dashing away to his class.

"Wow." The Canadian breathed, "Did that really just happen?"

Later, in math, Gilbert dropped his stuff on the desk next to Matthew. "Hey Birdie!"

"Oh, hi Gilbert." He greeted, surprised. He hadn't expected Gilbert to actually remember him four classes later. He certainly hadn't thought the boy would sit with him.

"Birdie, help me do this stupid math!" Gilbert told him, pulling out a paper.

"Here, it's easy." Matthew pulled it over, taking out his pencil and began to explain the complicated problem to Gilbert.

Gilbert soon zoned out, opting to stare at the blonde. He wasn't sure how he had never noticed him before; the Canadian was actually VERY good-looking, with purple-blue eyes behind his glasses, and blonde waves that neatly framed his face, except for one particularly stubborn curl that simply bobbed in front of his face. He was a little bit shorter than Gilbert, his physique slim but not skinny. Plus, he was sweet and soft-spoken, very polite and obviously very smart. In short, he was someone Gilbert would like to fuck senseless.

"Gilbert? Gilbert, are you listening?" Matthew shook him, "you said you needed help, and you're not gonna zone out on me."

"J- ja, Birdie, I was listening." the albino lied.

"Ok, solve this one." He said, handing the pencil to Gilbert.

"... Um." he said, flushing pink. He hated looking stupid and he looked like a complete idiot at the moment.

"You weren't listening, were you?" Matt said.

"I was too!"

"Then why can't you do it?" the blonde asked skeptically.

Gilbert sighed. "Because I wasn't listening."

"Exactly. Now I know why you don't understand it. You're smart. You just don't apply yourself."

Gilbert frowned. "Well, Birdie, why don't you come over to my house sometime and tutor me?"

"S-sure. I might have to ask my parents, but yeah…"He blushed again.

"Great. It's settled then." he said, propping his feet up on the desk as the teacher began to explain math to them. She had long ago given up trying to make him pay attention. Gilbert watched the Canadian surreptitiously, making sure the blonde wouldn't notice. He decided he liked this boy. A lot.

Matt decided he would just have to wrap up his wrists. He didn't want Gilbert seeing the scars.

"Birdie." Gilbert whispered

"Hm?" He leaned over.

"Wanna sit with me at lunch today?"

"Uh, yeah sure." His heart soared at the thought. Sitting with _Gilbert_ _Beilschmidt_ at lunch? This had to be a dream.

"Awesome." said the albino with a grin in Matthew's direction that made the Canadian's heart flutter.

Later, at lunch, Matt searched around the room for where Gilbert sat.

"Birdie! Over here!" Gilbert yelled from his place at a table in the corner with Francis and Antonio. Of course, since Antonio was there, that meant Lovino was there. Since Lovino was there, so was Feliciano. And that meant Ludwig was there, so Kiku was too. Since Kiku was there, Yao was as well, which in turn brought Ivan there.

In other words, that was way too many people for Mattie to be comfortable with.

"Uh… Yeah." He walked over there, intimidated by all of these people, especially Ivan.

"honhon~ is that Matthieu~?" asked Francis in a seductive tone.

"Yes, that is, now don't freak him out with your French weirdness." said Gilbert, making a hand motion for Matt to sit in the chair next to him, one he had so obviously saved specifically for the Canadian.

"Th-thanks." He said, sitting down.

"No problem."

"Gilbert, mi amigo, who is this?" Antonio asked, tilting his head to the side.

"I'm Matthew. I sit by him in math." Matt said.

Antonio glanced at the Canadian. "Ah, nice to meet you! I'm Antonio!" he then proceeded to introduce everyone at the table, including his foul-tempered boyfriend, who scoffed at Matt.

"Cool, it's nice to meet you all to." He said.

Then another conversation began, leaving the Canadian completely forgotten. He was used to this, just resolving to eat his lunch.

"What's wrong, Birdie?"

"Oh nothing, I'm fine." He said.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm used to it."

Gilbert stared at him, concerned. "Okay, if you say so Birdie."

"Yeah I'm fine."

"Well... Okay." said Prussia, giving him an unconvinced look and turning back to Antonio, who was telling some story about the time he had tried teaching Lovino Spanish.

Matthew continued eating, looking at the back of Gilbert's neck. He couldn't help but be slightly disappointed. "So, anyways Birdie." said Gilbert once lunch was over, handing the Canadian a piece of paper. "There's my address. My house after school?"

"Thanks, and sure." He said, taking the paper.

"Okay! See you then!" said the Prussian, leaving.

"Bye." He waved

Once at Gilbert's house, Matthew tugged down his sleeves. He had bandaged his wrists, but he didn't want Gilbert to see the bandages either.

Gilbert waited impatiently for Matt to arrive. He was bored out of his mind.

Thankfully, the doorbell rang about a minute after he had begun to wonder if the Canadian was even coming.

"Mattie!" said Gilbert, flinging open the door cheerfully.

"Hi. Are you ready to get started?" He asked.

"Ja! Do you want some beer?" Gilbert asked, moving aside so Mattie could come inside.

"Gilbert, we're not old enough to do that!" Matt said.

"... Me and Ludwig do it all the time!" said Gilbert, head tilted to the side in confusion.

"What? Why?"

"... Why not?" asked the albino, confused as to why this was wrong.

"Well, it's illegal, isn't it?" He said.

Gilbert sighed. "Ok, so none for you. We have water. And milk. Which one do you want?"

"Water, please." He said.

Gilbert got the desired drink and, yes, a beer for himself, hopping over the back of the couch and sitting down next to the Canadian.

"Ok, what's the big thing you need help on?" He asked.

"Math." said Gilbert, not being specific at all.

"Ok, let's start with what we learned at the beginning of the year." He said

"What did we learn then?" Gilbert asked blankly.

"We have a lot to cover." The Canadian sighed.

"Yeah. Hey, what happened to your wrist...s?" asked Gilbert, nodding at the Canadian's arms.

"What?" He glanced down at his wrists. His sleeves had ridden up, "Uh.. They uh..."

"They what?" asked the Prussian.

"They um.." What did he say? What lie could he tell that would sound convincing? "c-cat. The cat got them."

"Oh, okay." said Gilbert. "So, Alfred's your brother, right?"

"Yeah, yeah he is." He said, tugging down his sleeves, silently thanking God for the Prussian's ignorance.

"What's THAT like?" asked Gilbert, shifting so that he was facing Matt with one knee pulled to his chest. Alfred was a pretty fun guy, and the dude knew how to party. Gilbert was pretty sure _he_ had no issue with underage drinking.

"I stand in his shadow." He said, "no one really notices me."

"No one at all?" asked Gilbert in disbelief.

"Some people do. Our parents. The teachers. That's it though. I don't hate Alfred for getting the spotlight, in fact, I feel sorry for him."

"You do? You're not... Jealous, or something?"

"Sometimes. When I'm playing hockey."

"You're jealous when you're playing hockey?" repeated Gilbert, confused.

"I'm jealous of him when I play hockey. Because mom and dad don't usually come. They only go to Alfred's football games."

"Oh." said the albino, frowning. That honestly sucked. "When are your hockey games? I want to come to one!"

"I have one this Saturday." He said.

"Well I'll be there." said the Prussian, looking into Matthew's eyes.

"Thanks." He said, smiling.

"No problem, birdie~.

"So about that math problem..."

Matthew's visits to Gilbert's house continued for several weeks, during which Gilbert slowly got better, and they both learnt more about each other. Gilbert liked the Canadian more and more each day, and the questions about his wrists didn't stop.

"What happened this time?"

"What? Oh. I was cutting vegetables and the knife slipped."

"You're really clumsy, birdie!"

"Y- Yeah. Now I can see what you're doing wrong here, you're not carrying your numbers down in the equation..."

"I'm not what?" asked Gilbert, mystified.

"You're not carrying the numbers with the variables in the equation."

"Birdie, I don't think you understand: I don't understand anything about this."

"You do to a point. Gil, we've been working on this for weeks. See, solve that for me." He said, writing down a problem.

"Ahh, okay. But I'm too awesome for math and therefore haven't been paying attention all year." said Gilbert, taking the pencil and staring at the problem, solving the first part and then getting stuck completely on the next.

"See, you've got it until here, let me explain it to you." He said, taking the pencil and explaining the problem, showing Gilbert every step.

Gilbert nodded, paying attention this time. Sort of. He half was. The other half was on how close Matthew was to him, smelling kind of like maple syrup, which was endearing. His eyes traced the delicate angles of the Canadian's face and he zoned back in just in time for the Canadian to say, "Got that?" which he replied to quickly with, "Ja!"

"Ok, now it's your turn." He wrote down a new problem and handed Gilbert the pencil.

Gilbert inwardly cursed. This happened every time. He couldn't do this, Matthew was too distracting. "O- okay." he said, trying once more and getting stuck in the exact same spot.

"Okay, I guess I'll explain it again..."

"Sorry." the Prussian sighed guiltily.

"No it's okay. I like spending time with you."

Gilbert blinked before smiling. "I like spending time with you too, Birdie."

The Canadian turned a bright pink color as he realized what he had just said, and blushed even harder when he realized what Gilbert had said in response.

Gilbert was suddenly aware of just how close the blonde was. He could just... lean forward and kiss him. But, he shouldn't. He couldn't. He appeared to be one of the boy's only friends and if he messed that up, the boy would be alone. No matter how irresistible the Canadian was, he WOULD NOT kiss him. Or throw him on the bed and fuck him senseless. Or... Okay, getting off track.

Matt noticed how close the Prussian's face was getting. And the face his eyes where closing. And that his lips looked so kissable. He couldn't help himself, so, he too leaned forward.

"Gilbert," said Ludwig, walking in. "Mutti told me to tell... you..." the German trailed off as he saw how close they were. Blushing, he exited the room, whatever their mother had told him to tell Gilbert no longer important.

Gilbert laughed nervously.

"What?" Matt breathed.

"N- nothing." he stuttered. Shit. Did he just STUTTER? How unawesome can you get?

"That's ok." He said, putting his hands on either side of Gilbert's face, "wanna go back to where we started?"

Gilbert felt his cheeks flame. Why was he being so UNAWESOME, NOW WAS NOT THE TIME TO BE UNAWESOME. But he just couldn't think around the Canadian. "... Ja." he said. Oh, now THAT was eloquent. Real smooth, Gil. Real fucking-

He stopped berating himself as Mattie leaned in.

Matt pressed his lips to Gilbert's.

Gilbert moved his lips against the Canadians, running his tongue over the blonde's bottom lip. There we go. He was thinking straight now.

The Canadian granted him access to his mouth, tangling his hands in the Prussian's hair.

Gil's tongue slipped past the Canadian's lips, exploring the inside of Matt's mouth, his arms wrapping around the other's waist, both of them falling back on the couch, Gilbert on top and Matthew under him.

Matt wrapped his legs around Gilbert's waist, a small moan escaping him.

The Prussian made a soft noise in the back of his throat as he slid one hand up into Mattie's hair.

Gilbert broke the kiss and moved him mouth down, kissing down Mattie's neck, biting and sucking here and there, drawing moans from the Canadian. "Birdie, ich liebe dich." Gilbert said, pulling back and moving his mouth to the Canadians earlobe.

Matt moaned again, felling Gilbert lick his ear.

Gilbert nibbled on the Canadian's ear before moving back down to his neck and searching for his sweet spot.

"Nngh~ Gil~" the Canadian threw his head back.

Gilbert smiled, biting down on the spot before licking it apologetically and pulling back from the panting blonde.

"That… was amazing..." Mattie said.

"Not as amazing as you, birdie~"

"Thank you Gil." Matthew blushed furiously.

"It's true~ I love you, Birdie."

"Je t'aime."

"Good." Responded the Prussian, leaning forward and kissing Matthew roughly.

"Gilbert, when I come in there I want you to not be kissing!" Ludwig called from the other room.

"SHUT UP!" Gilbert yelled back as Matthew pulled back.

"I should be going..." he said.

"So soon?" Asked Gil with a frown.

"Well, your brother wants to talk to you, so..."

"He can wait!"

"No I can't!"

"SHUT UP BRUDER."

"No, no it's okay." He said.

"Well, okay..." said Gilbert disappointedly.

"Besides, I need to get home for dinner. I'll see youtomorrow." He kissed Gilbert's brow.

"All right. Bye Birdie." He squeezed the Canadians hand, walking him to the door.

"Bye mon cher." He said, happier than he had ever been in his life.

Gilbert kissed him once more and then turned around. "_LUDWIG, WHATEVER YOU WANTED BETTER HAVE BEEN IMPORTANT._"


	2. Chapter 2

**here be chapie two~ and yes, this time The Life Zone WILL update on time.**

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Matthew closed his bedroom door, shaking with anger and frustration. His parents had just yelled at him for failing a test when Alfred had failed the _whole semester_. It wasn't fair.

He needed to calm down. He needed to feel significant. He needed to be the one hurting himself instead of other people hurting him.

He pulled off his shirt, sitting with his back to his bed and picking up a razor blade. He put in some ear buds, listening to some loud and angry music that perfectly described how he felt. He took the blade to his arm, pulling it across and watching as the blood beaded up on his skin. He gasped slightly at the pain but it felt so much better than how he felt inside. He did it again, and was going to do it a third time when he got the sensation that someone was watching him. He looked up and saw, to his horror, Gilbert.

"What are you doing?" Gilbert cried, running over to him, trying to grab the razor.

"N- Nothing!" he exclaimed, pulling it away from Gilbert.

"That's bullshit, Mattie!" the Prussian exclaimed, snatching the blood-covered piece of metal from him and throwing it across the room. He grabbed the Canadian's arm, looking at the fresh cuts and old scars, his eyebrows creasing. "Oh, Mattie. I'm sorry." he pulled the blonde to him, really meaning it and holding him tightly. "Look what you're doing to yourself." He whispered in his ear, "You're putting all these awful scars on your body. Mattie, I promise there's a better way."

Matthew felt himself trembling before he started to cry. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." he apologized shakily as he held onto the Prussian tightly, terrified that the other would leave him.

"No, I'm not mad! Don't think I'm mad!" He said, hugging Mattie to his chest.

"I'm sorry!" he repeated. He couldn't help it. "I'm so sorry."

"Shh... Calm down." The albino said soothingly, patting Mattie's hair.

"I'm sorry." he sobbed into the Prussian's shirt. And he was sorry. Sorry that Gilbert had had to see that, and sorry that he himself had been born in the first place.

Gilbert felt helpless. All he could do was sit there and hold Matt as he cried and apologize for something he shouldn't apologize for. It made him feel like he couldn't do anything.

After a while, Matthew began to calm down a bit, breathing shakily. "Wh- when did you get here?" he asked in a hoarse voice.

"A couple minutes ago." He said.

He didn't dare remove his face from the albino's chest. He feared the expression he would see, perhaps repulsion, or disgust. Horror. Worst of all, pity.

In contrary to all of what the Canadian thought he was going to see, Gilbert was worried.

"I understand... If you want to break up." the Canadian murmured into Gilbert's shirt

"No! Why would I want that?!" Gilbert exclaimed in surprise.

"Because I'm pathetic. And you could get somebody much better." Even as he gave Gilbert the reason that he should leave, his own fingers clutched the albino tighter.

"Like I would leave you because of this! I love you Matt."

"I- I love you too, Gil. And... Please don't tell anyone about this." the Canadian pleaded, looking up into the Gilbert's eyes.

"I won't. Now, can you promise me something?" Gilbert asked.

"Sure, what is it?" the Canadian was so relieved he could hardly believe it.

"I want you to try and stop."

"To- to what?" Matthew repeated. He couldn't do that!

"Please try and quit. I hate thinking that you're here mutilating yourself."

The blonde blushed in shame and looked down. "I p- promise."

"Ok then." He hugged Matt, "are you ok now?"

Matthew hugged back. "I guess. Why did you come over anyway?"

"I wanted to see you."

"Oh, okay." said the Canadian, frowning as he noticed how his blood had smeared across Gilbert's white shirt.

"Don't worry about the blood." He said.

"I'm sorry." he said. "It's all stained now..."

"Nah, doesn't matter, this is old anyways. Like, vati old."

"Still... And I got tears all over it." he added.

"It's fine. Really. I don't care Mattie."

"Are you sure?" asked Mattie, looking up at him with big and innocent eyes, or, as Alfred had dubbed them, 'the doe eyes'.

"Yeah. So, how long has this been going on?" He asked.

"... Since seventh grade."

"What? And you've never told anyone?"

"It's hard... You don't know." said the Canadian, looking away. "And I hope you never have to."

"I don't want you to go through this again. It makes me sick to see you like this Mattie."

Matthew flinched at these words. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry, it'll be alright." He said.

"Okay..." said the Canadian. "I love you..."

"I love you too." Said Gilbert, kissing Matthew's forehead.


	3. Chapter 3

**here, read this. -Shoves new chapter at Y'all- Just a warning up front, there is Yaoi lemon in here. in this chappie right here. so... yeah. Enjoy.**

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Gilbert slid his hands into Matthew's hair, moving so that Matt was straddling him. They were sitting on Gilbert's couch, currently engaged in a fierce makeout session. Ludwig was hanging out with his friend Feliciano. 'Friend' being a rather loose term, as everyone but Ludwig knew that the little Italian had a crush on him. The Prussian's parents were at a dinner with his father's boss, leaving Gilbert with the whole house to himself.

The Canadian attempted to gain dominance with his tongue but was quickly defeated. Gilbert began to explore the Canadian's mouth, all while also letting his hands wander all over the other's body. Matt groaned a bit as Gilbert's hand brushed his backside, digging his fingertips into the Prussian's back.

"Mattie~" Gilbert groaned as the Canadian relaxed his fingers, feeling their groins rub against each other.

"Hah~ Gil... I- I want..." the blonde trailed off with a blush, looking away from Gilbert's eyes.

"I understand, Birdie." The albino said.

Matt smiled. "Y- You do?"

"Ja."

"Can we get a hotel? Tomorrow night?"

"Ja, sure."

The next night, the stood in the hotel lobby, waiting to go up to their room.

"Here's the key." said a bored receptionist, handing Gilbert a key card.

"Danke." He said, taking it and smiling at Matthew.

Matthew blushed a bit as they walked to the elevator

"Can you wait?" He whispered in Matt's ear.

Matt blushed harder. "I th- think so..."

"All right." Gilbert nuzzled him.

Matthew fidgeted as the elevator neared their floor, nervously avoiding Gilbert's gaze.

"Look, Birdie, if you aren't comfortable with this..."

"N- No! I- I want to... I'm j-just... Scared." said Matthew.

"Why?" He asked, cupping Mattie's face.

"I'm a v- virgin..." the Canadian stuttered, blushing harder than ever.

"Oh. Mattie, it's ok." He said.

The elevator reached their floor and Matt, embarrassed, whispered out, "I'm afraid it's going to hurt."

"It's only gonna hurt a little." He said comfortingly.

The Canadian bit his lip nervously.

Gilbert kissed him, trying to reassure the Canadian.

Matthew kissed back, surprised but not displeased as Gilbert picked him up. The Canadian wrapped his legs around the albino's waist.

The Prussian broke the kiss, panting slightly. "Wait, we need to get inside the room first."

Matthew nodded, blushing at his own eagerness as they walked down the hall.

Matt watched in anticipation as the Prussian opened the door.

Once Gilbert had managed to open the door, he threw Mattie on the bed, getting on top. Matthew reached up, wrapping his arms around the Prussian's neck and connecting their lips together, moaning slightly as he felt his cock come to life. Gilbert started to kiss down the other's neck while feeling up his body, over his chest, rubbing his thighs, causing Matt to moan appreciatively, twining his fingers in the Prussian's hair. The albino kissed down and sucked on Matthew's collar bone, brushing his fingers over his clothed erection. Matt let out a small moan, bucking his hips into the Prussian hand.

"Uh uh." He said, pinning down his hips, "Not yet."

"G- Gil..." Matt panted, squirming and looking into the Prussian's eyes.

"I know, I know."

"Please~" he said, erection straining to escape the fabric of his pants.

Gilbert sighed and stole down to Matt's pants, to where the zipper looked ready to break.

"Gil, do it~!" the blonde pleaded, eyes clouded with lust as he looked down at Gilbert.

Gil began to unzip the other's pants with his teeth, and Matthew whimpered as his member hardened further. Gilbert ran a teasing finger along the waistband of Matt's boxers, causing Matthew to wiggle his hips impatiently, letting out a frustrated groan. Gilbert ripped down the Canadian's boxers, freeing his member.

Matthew gasped as the cool air hit his cock, let out a loud moan, pushing his hips up as Gilbert licked the head carefully. Gilbert took him in his mouth, sucking, slowly at first, but then going faster. Matt tangled his fingers in Gilbert's hair, throwing his head back in ecstasy as his eyes closed, gasps and moans pouring from his mouth. He was lost in pleasure, mind blank and he cried out Gilbert's name as he came into the Prussian's mouth. Matthew panted heavily as he came down from his high, opening his eyes and moving to take off his shirt, then Gilbert's shirt.

Gilbert put three fingers in Matt's face.

"Suck." He commanded.

Matthew blinked before opening his mouth, wrapping his lips around the fingers and looking into Gilbert's red eyes with his own blue-violet ones, running his tongue over the digits.

When Gilbert decided that would do, he pulled them out and eased one finger into Mattie's chute.

Matt whimpered, and not of pleasure.

"Shh, it's okay Birdie." He shushed, kissing him to distract him as he pumped the finger in and out.

Mattie kissed back, fingers digging into the mattress as he focused on not crying out in pain.

Gilbert wiggled it around, searching for that special spot, the one that would make his birdie forget about this pain completely… It was around here somewhere…

Matt broke the kiss, eyes going wide as his back arched and he cried out in pleasure. "Do it again!" he begged Gilbert, trembling.

He smiled. He had found it. He added another and began to scissor. Matthew moaned, moving himself back on the fingers hungrily. Gilbert added another.

"Gil, please, I'm ready, just do it!" the Canadian begged, eager to get more of the intense pleasure he had received moments ago.

Gilbert aligned himself up with Matt's entrance and pushed in, slowly, then held still.

Matt held on tightly to the Prussian, breathing deeply as he adjusted to Gilbert's length. Finally, he said, "Okay, you can move now."

The first thrust was painfully slow, but Gilbert didn't want to hurt his birdie. Matthew moaned before groaning, "Faster!" into Gilbert's ear.

Gilbert obliged, and began thrusting faster, until finally he was pounding into Matt.

The noises that the Canadian was making would put a whore to shame as he rocked his hips back to meet Gilbert's thrusts, the tip of his erection brushing against the Prussian's toned abs with every thrust.

"M-Mattie... I'm gonna..."

"Ah~ me t- GIL~!" The Canadian's warning wasn't completed as he came all over their stomachs and screamed out Gilbert's name.

"Matthew~!" the scream of his name, tightening of Matthew around him, and observing the expression Matt had made sent the Prussian over the edge and he came inside Matthew with a moan of the blonde's name.

Matthew slumped back against the mattress, exhausted and lost in euphoria.

"Did I do awesome?" Gil asked.

Matthew nodded, wrapping his arms around the Prussian exhaustedly. "You did perfectly." he told him, eyes slipping shut.

"I'm glad." He hugged the little Canadian to his chest, also falling asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Here, it's so... Good. And sad. I hope you like it.**

**disclaimer: {insert reason I don't own hetalia here}**

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Matt came into his room, about to cry from anger. He had failed a test, been made fun of by some Cuban guy who thought he was Alfred, his parents had screamed at him and he had had _enough_.

He sat down on his bed, looking in the bathroom. Looking at the counter. There was a razor. It was the one he used to shave his face. He was transfixed; he couldn't look away.

He had promised Gilbert. He had said he wouldn't. But the sharp blade was calling out to him, reminding him of all the times it had helped him to calm down. Gilbert wouldn't approve, Gilbert would be disappointed. But it always felt so good, almost orgasmic, to feel the pain of his own blood seeping out.

He couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed it, not even bothering to remove his t-shirt, standing in the middle of his room and dragging it across his skin. He let out a sigh, eyes closing as he relaxed.

"Birdie?" Gilbert knocked on the door.

Matthew's eyes flew open. "D- don't come in! I'm naked!" he sputtered, frantically searching the room for a place to hide the razor.

"Birdie, I have seen you naked. I'm coming in." He said, opening the door.

There was a beat of silence as the two stared at each other, before Gilbert cried, "MATTHEW!"

Matthew's mouth fell open as he frantically searched within the recesses of his mind for an excuse, a lie, anything. But he came up with nothing.

"Birdie, what happened? Why did you do this?!" Gilbert exclaimed.

"I- I had a bad day..." said the Canadian, avoiding Gilbert's gaze.

"You could have told me!"

"No I couldn't!" Matthew exclaimed, suddenly angry and unsure why. "You act like it's so simple but it's not, damnit!"

"I know. But you have to try!"

"I DID!"

"Try HARDER!"

"SHUT UP! I TRIED AS HARD AS I COULD!"

"I DONT THINK SO SINCE THIS IS WHAT YOUR DOING!"

By now, Matt was shaking with anger. "If you think it's that easy, then you're a real dumbass."

"Fine, if you see it that way!" Gilbert stomped out.

After he was gone, Matt sank down on the bed in realization of what he had just done. Now he had no one. The Prussian no longer wanted anything to do with him. His brother hardly even noticed him, and everyone else was ten times worse about it than he was. He lacked anything to live for now.

Matt grabbed a spiral notebook and pen, quickly scrawling out his reasons and apologies to Alfred and Gilbert. He folded them and wrote each of their names on the outside before grabbing a bottle of pills.

Gilbert sighed, getting out of his car where he had been sitting. Yes, he was upset. He felt betrayed. Mattie had promised. But he knew it wasn't a personal attack on him. He was being a bit unreasonable. He hurried up to the door, knocking on it.

Matt grabbed a glass of water, tossing back a handful of pills.

Gilbert was stuck at the door, waiting for someone to answer him.

Alfred opened the door, an Xbox controller in one hand, and looked at Gilbert confusedly. "What do you need dude?"

"I need to talk to Matt." He said.

"He's upstairs." said the American, turning away to walk into the living room, already disinterested.

"Danke." He said, dashing up the stairs to Matt's room and grabbing the handle, jiggling it when he realized it was locked. For some reason, he was getting a chill down his spine. The kind where you know something is wrong but you don't know what. "Mattie?"

Matt didn't answer. Currently he was on his hands and knees on the floor, coughing violently. He felt like he was going to throw up and he could hardly breathe.

"Mattie?" the Prussian began banging on the door, his sense of foreboding increasing.

His head snapped up. Gilbert was here? No, Gilbert had left. Gil wanted no part of him and he couldn't say he blamed the albino.

"Matt?!" Gilbert forced the lock, feeling it give under his hand as he pushed open the door.

Matt convulsed as this happened, his arm and legs giving out.

"Matthew!" Gilbert cried, running over to him, "what on earth did you do?!"

"I-" Matt couldn't finish as he convulsed again, eyes rolling back. Black spots began dancing in his vision as he violently shuddered and jerked.

"Oh gott..." He looked at the bed, where the open bottle of pills lay, almost completely empty now.

"I'm sorry." the Canadian gasped out, the black spots almost completely overtaking his vision. He could vaguely hear Gilbert saying something along the lines of "Stay with me Mattie, stay with me", but he couldn't stay awake any longer and his world went black.


	5. Chapter 5

**last chapter Loves~ please review!**

* * *

Gilbert whipped out his phone, dialing 911 as Matt continued to convulse on the floor. He held the Canadian's hand as he waited urgently for them to pick up.

"9-1-1, what's your emergency?" The lady said.

"My boyfriend overdosed on pills, he took them about ten minutes ago, please get here!" the Prussian quickly gave her the address and waited for the ambulance to get there. He glanced up, to the bed, where the pill bottle and two folded pieces of paper sat. One had his name on it. He grabbed the papers, stuffing them in his pocket as he waited impatiently for them to arrive.

"Sir, can you tell me how he is breathing?" The lady asked.

"Hardly at all!" he said nervously.

"Sir, calm down, help is on the way, the important thing is for you to keep calm." She said.

"I AM calm!" he snapped at her.

"I know, sir, now breathe deeply please."

"Gott, stay with me Mattie." the Prussian whispered, tightening his hold on the blonde's hand.

"Can you tell me what he took?" She asked.

The Prussian grabbed the bottle, looking down. "Uhh... Prozac." his heart sank slightly. Matt _had_ been trying to get better. And he, Gilbert, had screwed it all up.

"Make sure to tell the paramedics that when they get there." The door opened downstairs.

After an incredibly tense ambulance ride, paramedics wheeled Matthew down the hall quickly in a hospital bed as a nurse slapped a clipboard full of paperwork to Gilbert's chest and left, saying, "Here, fill this out."

Gilbert sighed and started to fill out the paperwork.

"Why Mattie?" he wondered as he penciled in the blonde's name.

His hand inched towards his pocket, pulling out the crumpled pieces of paper.

One with his name, one with Alfred's.

He swallowed nervously, debating on whether to read them or not.

"Fuck it," the albino decided. "He left it to me."

He opened it.

_Dear Gilbert,_

_I know you hate me now. Who wouldn't? I tried so hard and it wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough. It's so difficult to keep going. The only thing I had was the fact that you loved me, but you don't anymore. I don't blame you. There are people out there who are a million times better than me so I don't know why you decided to be with me. I guess it makes sense that you're done with me. Anyway, it's too hard to keep going now. You were all that I had, but you're done with me now. So I'm done too. I still love you though. Don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault._

_Hopefully by the time you get this I'll be gone._

_I love you._

_Matthew_

Gilbert sniffled, realizing the page had gotten wet. He hadn't realized he was crying until he lifted his hand to his face and felt the wetness.

"Why would I hate you...?" He whispered to the note.

He looked at the other note. It was to Alfred... Should he read it?

'He let it for Alfred. I'll let him read it.' He thought to himself, wiping his eyes.

Speaking of the American, he realized he had simply left Alfred in the house and vaguely recalled the blonde looking mystified as Gilbert ran down the stairs, ignoring his inquiries as to where he was going.

He pulled out his phone again, dialing Alfred's number.

"Hey Alfred?" He asked, his voice shaking from crying.

"Dude! What the hell just happened?! Why was Mattie on a stretcher?! I'm in my car on the way to the hospital right now!"

"He- we got in a fight. He tried to kill himself, Alfred, I'm sorry."

There was a slight silence.

"He... He what?" repeated the American, tone suggesting he had misheard.

"He tried to kill himself."

"Why? He was happy! He told me so!"

"We had a fight."

"What the _fuck_ did you do to my brother?" the American's tone had shifted from horrification to infuriation and protectiveness.

"I- we got in an argument, that's all!" He cried.

"This is _all_ your fault, you son of a bitch." he snapped. "If he doesn't turn out okay, I'll make sure _you_ _don't_ _either_."

The phone clicked in Gilbert's ear, signifying that Alfred had hung up.

He inhaled sharply and put his phone back in his pocket.

He was pretty sure it WAS his fault, actually. If Mattie didn't turn out okay, he was pretty sure he deserved everything Alfred was going to do to him and more. The American was usually very nice, if somewhat nosy, but then again, he had never gotten on the boy's bad side.

"This is all my fault!" He pressed his hands to him face, feeling more tears slip out.

Alfred came in, looking like a force to be reckoned with as he glowered at the Prussian, snatching the paperwork and filling it out accordingly.

Gilbert stayed quiet, not wanting to start anything.

"Uh, Mister... Beilschmidt?" said a nurse, poking her head into the room. "He's awake. He wants to talk to you."

Gilbert got up solemnly and followed the nurse, before stopping in his tracks, turning back to the American.

"Wait. He... He wrote this to you. I didn't read it." he handed the American the letter and kept walking.

"Thanks?" Alfred said.

"Gil..." said the Canadian, voice extra quiet, even quieter than his normal voice. Practically a whisper, and hoarse. He had had his stomach pumped, so that was to be expected.

"Matt... I'm so, so sorry!"

"Not as sorry as me... I'm sorry, Gil."

"No, no, I drove you to this, Mattie it's my fault." Gilbert said, hugging Matt.

Matt hugged back. "No you didn't, it wasn't your fault. It was my fault."

"It could be both of our faults. That way we wouldn't argue about it." Gil suggested.

Matt smiled weakly. "J- Just please don't leave me." he half-whimpered into Gilbert's shoulder, holding tighter to the albino.

"I won't, I promise."

"I'm sorry." he apologized again.

"I'm sorry." Gilbert buried his nose in Mattie's hair.

"y- You don't hate me?"

"Why would I hate you?" He asked, shocked.

"Because I promised you that I wouldn't... H- Hurt myself and then I did."

"No, that doesn't matter. I wish you wouldn't, but having you alive is more important to me. Please, Mattie, don't ever do this again."

"I won't do it again, I won't, and I'm sorry." he said, hot tears running down his face as he attempted to stop crying.

"I was so scared when you passed out, I- I thought you'd left me!" Gil had begun to cry as well, overcome by his emotions.

"I won't ever leave you." the Canadian promised

"And I won't leave you."

"How sweet! GIMME SOME LOVE, BROTHA!" Alfred yelled, jumping onto the bed next to the Canadian. The scary and threatening Alfred was gone, and normal Alfred was back.

"Alfred, there's a needle in my arm!" Matt complained.

Alfred laughed, getting off. "I'm glad you're okay, dude! I was really worried!"

"I'm fine, no need to be worried." He said.

"All right! But seriously, Mattie, dude. I love ya. You're pretty fucking great, ok? There's no way I could forget about you."

"Thanks Alfred." He smiled.

The American grinned before exiting, leaving the two alone.

"Forget about you?"

"It was just something I had mentioned…" The Canadian winced.

"Trust me, you're unforgettable." Said Gilbert, leaning down and gently kissing the blonde.


End file.
